The 15 Funniest George Costanza Quotes

Summary

• George Costanza’s quotes rival Jerry Seinfeld’s own lines, showcasing his hilarious personality and questionable decisions.
• Jason Alexander created a definitive character in George, separate from Larry David, earning critical acclaim for his portrayal.
• George’s memorable one-liners, such as his interaction with a squirrel and his relationship antics, highlight his comedic genius.

It’s no secret that the best and funniest George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld rival even Jerry Seinfeld’s own lines from the show. Jason Alexander was robbed of an Emmy win multiple times while spending nine years playing Jerry’s neurotic best friend George Costanza, a character known for his horrible bad luck and questionable life decisions. Fan adoration and massive critical acclaim continue to give credit where credit is due, however, as George is still largely regarded as one of the greatest sitcom characters of all time.

Notably, George Costanza is based on Seinfeld co-creator and head writer, Larry David, one of the most foundational comedic voices of his generation. Cleverly, rather than becoming a caricature of Larry David, Jason Alexander instead gave George his own voice, creating a definitive curmudgeon character that predates even Larry David’s semi-autobiographical protagonist in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Straight from the mouth of the self-proclaimed Lord of Idiots, here are the greatest, funniest, and most meme-able George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld.

15 “Squirrel? Well, We Have No Deal With Them!”

Season 9, Episode 6, “The Merv Griffin Show”

George had been living by an unwritten code forged between New Yorkers, and the pigeons that dwell within. Pigeons got out of the way of cars, and New Yorkers looked the other way on the statue defecations. However, George finds that the pigeons have seemingly gone back on their deal as, while driving with his girlfriend, he runs over a flock of them, making her see him as a heartless animal killer.

In an attempt to show that he was more heroic than she thought, George took it upon himself to purposely swerve out of the way of a pigeon when they next rode together. Unfortunately, he failed to spot a nearby squirrel which he ran over instead. George’s lack of remorse for that much cuter animal is hilarious as he reverts back to his strange idea that there exists some pact between animals and humans that the squirrel is no part of.

14 “You Should’ve Seen The Look On Her Face! It Was The Same Look My Father Gave Me When I Told Him I Wanted To Be A Ventriloquist!”

Season 3, Episode 7, “The Cafe”

While Kramer’s schemes in Seinfeld get all the attention, George has some terrific ones that usually end up blowing up in his face. Desperate to impress a very intellectual woman, George asked Elaine to take his I.Q. test for him so he could fake a good result. Unfortunately, a series of mishaps caused Elaine to mess the test up and cause his score to plummet to an unimaginable 85.

George comes back to Jerry’s place to confront Elaine with the shockingly low test results which brings up a hilarious childhood memory. There is a lot to unpack in the joke with the idea of George wanting to become a ventriloquist being almost as funny as imagining Frank Costanza’s reaction to this idea. It is a reminder that George has always been on the losing side of life.

13 “Oh Noooooo! I’m So Sorry, It’s The MOOPS! The Correct Answer Is ‘The Moops.'”

Season 4, Episode 7, “The Bubble Boy”

Among George’s many faults, he is an overly competitive persona despite what is at stake and who he happens to be going up against. George and Susan find themselves on the doorstep of a beloved young man known affectionately as the Bubble Boy by the local community, due to his need to stay in a protective bubble at all times. Unfortunately, the Bubble Boy is a complete jerk and gloats about dominating George in a game of trivial pursuit.

With the game on the line, George pulls a card asking who invaded Spain during the 8th century. The Bubble Boy correctly answers “the Moors,” but George is all too happy to take advantage of a misprint on the card which reads “Moops,” instead. As much as the Bubble Boy is an obnoxious and rude person, seeing George argue with the sick youngster over a simple board game causes the character to sink to a new low.

12 “You’re Giving ME The ‘It’s Not You, It’s Me’ Routine? I INVENTED ‘It’s Not You, It’s Me’!”

Season 5, Episode 6, “The Lip Reader”

George was such a loser that he actually took pride in being dumped. An example occurred when his frustrated girlfriend broke up with him by giving him the classic “it’s not you, it’s me” line. So insulted was George that he came down hard on her for daring to use an excuse so obvious. Unwilling to be lied to, George insisted that it wasn’t in fact her – but himself – who was the problem. When she finally acknowledged that it was, in fact, George, he replied “You’re damn right it’s me!”

Of course, Geroge’s girlfriend was only trying to spare him his feelings and let him down easily. However, George is never one to make any social situation easy, turning it into a hilarious agreement from both of them that he is indeed the problem in the relationship. Given how freely both of them agree to this, the fact that George still gets girlfriends on Seinfeld doesn’t make much sense.

11 “I’m Disturbed, I’m Depressed, I’m Inadequate – I’ve Got It All!”

Season 4, Episode 15, “The Visa”

George Costanza has gone to great lengths on many occasions to convince women that he’s a normal, well-adjusted guy to get dates. However, the one time he actually managed it, she turned out to be more interested in the kind of depressed loser that he actually was in his everyday life. Realizing that Jerry’s fun-loving comedy persona was a major hit with the ladies, George forced him to act like a depressed killjoy in order to make himself look better.

The plan backfired when George’s date found herself incredibly attracted to Jerry’s dark and disturbed faux persona, prompting George to panic and shout this line. To be fair to George, he is telling this woman the truth and attempts to highlight how dark and sad he is by confessing the entire ruse with Jerry to her. Unfortunately, that is not the kind of damaged love interest she was looking for.

10 “Oh, No, Thanks. I Can’t Drink Coffee Late At Night. It Keeps Me Up.”

Season 2, Episode 4, “The Phone Message”

This is one of those George Costanza quotes that perfectly captures just how terrible he is when it comes to interacting with women. When a woman invites George up for coffee, he declines with this line. Much to his horror, he figures out almost immediately the mistake he made and, in typical George fashion, he spirals into self-loathing. This includes him declaring about himself that “People this stupid shouldn’t be allowed to live.”

As funny as his mistake is, seeing him live with regret is even funnier. George often complains about how life has been constantly unlucky for him and that he cannot catch a break. While there are some moments that could suggest that was true, this scene hilarious suggests that maybe George is also just clueless and he lets good opportunities pass him by due to his complete cluelessness.

9 “We Have Watched You Take Our Beloved Yankees And Reduce Them To A Laughing Stock!”

Season 5, Episode 22, “The Opposite”

In this iconic Seinfeld episode, George decides to do the opposite of every one of his natural bumbling instincts. When he interviews for a job at the New York Yankees and meets George Steinbrenner, he launches into a rant that would normally tank anyone else’s employment chances. George pulls no punches as he tells Steinbrenner exactly what’s on his mind. Evidently, the opposite move turned out to be the right one, after Steinbrenner replied “Hire this man!”

George can be a very unlikable character most of the time, as funny as he is. However, there is something fun about seeing him finally winning for the first time, especially in such a creative way. It is a shame that he didn’t keep up his “opposite” theory as he reverted back to his self-conscious persona and went back to losing regularly.

8 “I Know I’m Not Cartwright!”

Season 2, Episode 11, “The Chinese Restaurant”

“The Chinese Restaurant” is not only one of the best Seinfeld episodes, but it also helped to shape the future of the series as it showed how much comedy could be mined by setting the entire episode within a Chinese restaurant as George, Jerry, and Elaine wait for a table. Among the obstacles, George is waiting for a call from a woman only for him to miss the important call when the restaurant manager calls out for “Cartwright” instead of Costanza.

It is a hilarious moment with the manager explaining the situation as if he did everything correctly and there was nothing more he could have done. This is followed by George walking back to Jerry and Elaine in stunned silence, trying to rationalize what just happened. It isn’t until Jerry interjects with the unhelpful “You’re not Cartwright” that George finally snaps.

7 “Was That Wrong? Should I Not Have Done That?”

Season 3, Episode 12, “The Red Dot”

George might be a meek and underwhelming man in general, but he can be quite bold when it comes to a lie. After George gets a job at the same office Elaine works at, he decides to have sex with the cleaning woman on top of his own desk. George’s new boss, Mr. Lippman, quickly finds out about it and confronts George with the accusation. While George initially acts like it is ridiculous, once he learns the cleaning lady told on him, he hilariously attempts to suggest he didn’t know it was wrong.

It is the kind of gaslighting and huge lie that George can commit to better than anyone with him even going so far as to claim that this was the sort of thing that went on at all of his other jobs without it being a problem. There is something to be admired about such an attempt as pathetic as it is.

6 “It’s Not A Lie If You Believe It.”

Season 6, Episode 16, “The Beard”

Few George Costanza quotes sum up the character as much as this one. While it is generally seen as an ugly trait to have, among the immoral characters on Seinfeld, George’s lying is like a superpower that others seek to gain for themselves. When Jerry took a lie detector test after his policewoman girlfriend refused to believe he’d never seen an episode of Melrose Place, George realized he couldn’t teach him how to lie. He did, however, offer him this fantastically immoral snippet of wisdom.

Goerge is not a man known for his wise words or deep thinking, so it is hilarious that one of the few times he chooses to impart teachings to someone else is about lying. What makes it even funnier is that actor Jason Alexander delivers the line with a sense of self-seriousness as if it were a truly profound thing to introduce into the world.

5 “The Sea Was Angry That Day, My Friends! Like An Old Man Trying To Send Back Soup In A Deli!”

Season 5, Episode 14, “The Marine Biologist”

George’s epic Seinfeld speech in “The Marine Biologist” is one of the most iconic moments in the show’s history. It is also an epically heroic moment for the character that appears off-screen and makes his recounting of the story all the more entertaining. While posing as a marine biologist to impress a girl, George comes across a beached whale and is called upon to save its life.

George is seen recounting the story to his friends in the diner, putting some hilarious flourished onto the wild fish tale. While his friends are engrossed in the story, it is hilarious to see their reactions when he delivers this line. Jerry’s expression in particular is priceless as he is confused and wants to question it, but decides that he would rather not interrupt the story that’s already in motion.

4 “Worlds Are Colliding!”

Season 7, Episode 8, “The Pool Guy”

Most people who have been in a long-term relationship can relate to George’s “Worlds are colliding!” theory. One’s circle of friends and partner seem completely separate, and if they’re together in the same room, it can be awkward. It really is like worlds are colliding – a perfectly apt metaphor, making this one of the most relatable George Costanza quotes.

It’s even worse if worlds are colliding in a good way, such as when Elaine and Susan become pals. If Susan joined George’s friendship group and started hanging around with Jerry and Elaine, “relationship George” would have had to merge with “independent George,” leading to the demise of the latter. His hilariously dramatic explanation of what is at stake is one of the best aspects of this episode with him insisting “if relationship George were to come through that door he would kill independent George!”

3 “But You Are, Blanche! You Are In The Shackles!”

Season 4, Episode 12, “The Airport”

It doesn’t take a lot for George to get intimidated or scared. This is the same man who pushed old women and children out of his way when he thought that there was a fire at a children’s birthday party. However, under the right circumstances and with the risks reduced, George can get bold with whom he talks back to. In the episode “The Airport,” as George gets to the last magazine on the shelf before a convicted criminal (who is photographed on the cover), he channels Bette Davis in the movie What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

In the movie, there’s a moment where Blanche tells Jane, “You wouldn’t be able to do these awful things to me if I weren’t still in this chair,” and Jane gleefully replies, “But you are, Blanche! You are in that chair!” Similarly, the criminal tells George, “If I wasn’t in these shackles…” and George – in the same gleeful tone as Davis’ Jane – replies, “But you are, Blanche! You are in the shackles!”

2 “Oh Yeah? Well, The Jerk Store Called. They’re Running Out Of YOU!”

Season 8, Episode 13, “The Comeback”

Along with his lying and self-loathing, George’s pettiness is one of his defining attributes and makes for some of the funniest moments in the show. George will go to great lengths to get justice for a perceived slight. After being insulted by a co-worker for his ravenous devouring of all the shrimp in the meeting, he struggles to devise the perfect comeback for their next fateful encounter.

Eventually, he settles on “Oh, yeah? Well, the jerk store called. They’re running out of you!” Not only is it a weak comeback, but it’s pummeled into submission by his nemesis’ next reply, which completely deflates what little impact it had to begin with. It may sound lame, but that’s exactly why this is one of the funniest George Costanza quotes, as George wears his lameness proudly.

1 “Please, A Little Respect, For I Am Costanza, Lord Of The Idiots.”

Season 2, Episode 5, “The Apartment”

In an early season of Seinfeld, George tries out a social experiment by wearing a wedding ring to see if it makes him more approachable to women. He ends up missing out on a friends-with-benefits situation, plus courtside seats to every sporting event at Madison Square Garden. Throughout the episode, Jerry and George have been arguing over who’s the bigger idiot.

This is one of the George Costanza quotes that led Mike Costanza – Jerry Seinfeld’s old friend who the character was named after – to sue NBC and claim that his name had been slandered by being depicted as, among other things, the “Lord of the Idiots.” Of course, the real George is more accurately Larry David and he seems to have been more than willing to allow a version of himself to be depicted in such a hilarious pathetic way.